I hate the word ‘Disorder’–I mean, who labels this stuff?
My last entry saw me aggrandize my tendency to run from any manner or form of romantic Love. I was honest…but not entirely transparent.
A few years ago, I found myself emotionally recovering from my biggest trigger–Rejection. I was shocked at my inability to walk away from the oncoming headlights of doom. I was frozen and then I was flattened. Rising from the dust, I vowed that this encounter would be the last time I would place my dignity in a shredder. Within a few months, I cancelled my subscription to Dazzling Doormats, 1969 and purchased a monthly book membership instead. (Intense literary research is what one does when one has an insanely high insurance deductible and cannot afford proper psycho-analysis/therapy–I angrily digress).
I read and I read and I read. I audio-booked. When I was sleeping, I was dreaming of reading. And then I saw her…or me, on paper. I had to look away as the enlightenment overcame me. I cried. I laughed haughtily. No way! Was my life in black and white? And, as Life is complex, it was not a perfect or singular-noted description of why I am the way I am. It was, however, a juggernaut of a revelation. My way of relating to the World now had a label. It had research. And it brought both comfort and terror.
I Am An Avoidant Attachment Type Of Human
Following this discovery, I continued to read in hopes of debunking what seemed like a truly awful existence. Further diving, however, simply circled back to me having classic Avoidant Personality tendencies. It was obvious in many areas of my life, not just romantic; a hard pill to swallow. The amount of work required, to change the course of my life, felt like looking at the front doors to a gym after New Years. I didn’t WANT to step through! So, I closed my eyes and leaped instead. I have been in a free-fall of self reflection and self work ever since. And, I call it a ‘free-fall’ because I can, now, deliberately abandon my “need to know before I go” mind-screw when I need to grow. It’s a scary fantastic rush when it happens. Turns out, that girl from my previous post, was just plain old Avoidant me. Desperately wanting Love and wholly distrusting it in the very same breath. Bad combo. BAD, Bad combo.
But, to end this entry on a good note, one of the positive traits of avoidant people is dogged self-reliance. So, I will continue to put in the work. I owe it to myself to be with others and enjoy true community.