I Had My First Sober Weep-A-Thon
I have now beaten my longest fast from alcohol. (I completed 62 days back in 2014.) OMG does it feel GOOOOOOOOD! This current personal challenge also feels different. So much has happened in the last six years. The biggest change being that I have finally accepted that this is MY life. I am in complete control over MY reactions and MY responses to MY set of circumstances. I am the common denominator. Crap will always hit the fan. I can either be prepared or be covered in it. I have chosen the first option.
This past Friday I had my first good cry since quitting alcohol. It began innocently enough. I was already in bed for the night and I was thinking about how grateful I am to be on this path. How my life is truly no worse since abstaining. I thought about how kind everyone was at an AA meeting after I picked up my two-month chip. Complete strangers congratulating me, hugging me and taking a moment to share a few words of acceptance and encouragement. It was humbling. And then Shame overcame me. I became upset with myself for all the time I’d wasted not reaching out to a community and/or my fellow man or woman for support or friendship. And like any pity party, the rest of my crap pile began falling in. What do my adult sons think of me? Am I a good Grandmother? Will people really believe that I can pull this off? Who are my friends? Why did my parents forget my birthday this year? My cat, Tater-Tot, is 16 years old–Jesus is going to take him home!–to name a few. (Yes…I drug my cat in to this boo-hoo-festival.) When I could no longer breath through my nose, I sat up on my bed and calmed the five-alarm fire I’d started.
Interestingly, I stopped crying almost immediately. Aaaaaannnnnddd…I actually felt BETTER! I washed my face, turned the lights back on and began turning my self-talk to the positive. What I found surprising, was how much LESS-sad I felt at that very moment. You see, when I would drink-and feel sorry for myself-it was a deep sorrow; a bottomless sorrow. One that only MORE alcohol could quiet so I didn’t have to think and ‘hurt’ for one more minute. Or…was it? I felt a warm revelation come over my entire body. Maybe my life is NOT as crummy as I think I thought is was. “Huh…” I sighed out loud as my shoulders relaxed and Tater-Tot curled his tail around my ankles. I guess the alcohol lied. Go figure.