So much personal happiness while the world is burning. I am caught in the middle of feelings of guilt and pride.
The last two weeks of May saw me doing everything in my power to improve my self-speak. I was swirling in a cloud of deep shame over finally “missing” alcohol since beginning this challenge. It sucked dry bread. But I kept fighting. Like suggested in one of my previous posts, I made a list of all the GOOD things that have transpired since taking on this endeavor. The biggest boost came when I wrote this: “You are changing a 20 year long relationship!” Whoa! I suddenly felt empowered. At that moment I realized I am David and alcohol is my Goliath. Even further, as a former Marathoner, I know what it means to bite off way more than it seems you can chew, all at once. I let out a big sigh. I relaxed my shoulders and bowed my head in eager concession. A huge smile began to form across my face.
I know what the payoff is going to be like…Astro-f*king-nominal!
And then George Floyd was murdered. Casually. Cavalierly. With utter confidence because they KNEW they would never be questioned about their choices. But for a 17 year old baby girl with the absolute guts to continue filming until George left this world, and they might have done so. Convictions never happen for American police. If THESE murderers go free, I fear a true civil uprising likened only to that of historical breadth, if not, to boiling levels yet unseen.
So yeah…”Yay me! and Oh sh*t!” in the same breath. I feel sobriety is more imperative than ever. I’d be a fool to stop now.