Crushed. But not decimated. I understood the possibility. I cried. I took deep breaths and looked to the Heavens and accepted His will. His plan. Humbled. Grounded. Heavy-hearted. It is a time for mourning. No stiff-upper lips. No raised chins. All chests allowed to ‘de-puff’. It’s Kleenex and several trips to the washroom to freshen up. It was a defeat. It was not the outcome I had hoped for.
Back to work. 100% blocking out of reality for nine hours. Tick-tock. Tick-tock. The laughter is genuine. My comedic timing is laser focused. I have compartmentalized. The sadness is too rich. If less than one ounce is leaked, the locks break and the raw emotions pound on a counter like a Karen looking for the manager. I push through. I know that I have full permission to grieve, in anyway I wish, once I’m off the clock. Over-eat? Under-eat? Junk food? No food? Binge watch? Sit in silence? Hyper-clean the house? Watch the same unfolded pile of laundry for the 3rd day in a row? Drink? Sure…all of the aforementioned and none of the aforementioned…okay, some of it. It comes in waves. It leaves abruptly. I feel stunted most days. I feel…Off.
It’s only been a couple of weeks. I told myself there was no time limit, per se, for the sadness to take it’s course. I know I won’t stay in this state forever. Some days are better than others and I am happy for those moments when I forget that my life is now on a different course. A different course. A different direction. A different life. Not chosen by Me. But still Me who now must walk in it. Today, I don’t like it. Today, I don’t want to be brave. Today, I don’t want to forge into the unknown. Today, I sit on my knees, like a protesting child, and weep.
I know God loves me. I know His will for my life is different than I can ever dream. I accept this outcome. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. I am grateful that I have given myself time to grieve. It is a loss/a personal blow/a difficult and permanent change of plans. Who will I become from here?