Came across this video today and felt seen…
After a good giggle, a big sigh followed. This has just been one of those years. I feel like I’ve been doing an incredible job at working through, and accepting, all of the wrenches thrown in my direction. I’ve even taken up welding and am creating an art piece I will call, “Ew!”. And because I have been working so hard, I really did believe I was looking forward to the holidays. Ummm, Houston, that is a negative. I repeat. That is a negative on a flyby through Joy Town.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not bitter or resentful. My heart is…my chest is still just so heavy. I’m still healing from “The Nightmare Over Summer”. I believe what is happening to me is, simply, that I’m grieving. And, I don’t know at which stage ‘acceptance’ is, but I believe I’m in the middle of that. And, because it’s all a part of the process, I don’t think it is supposed to be light or easy. This season I am, literally, shaking off tears and anxiety right before I smack on a huge smile and then crack on as if my life is FULL.
Currently, when I do tell happy stories, I’m reaching back into good memories and borrowing the warmth I felt then. This way the words that I’m saying don’t come over as complete BS. I am miserable. But my brand of misery does NOT want company. I want to see others smile. I want to give big hugs. I want to share a laugh. These things add to my healing. They keep me lifted, sane and present.
But, dang…loss hurts. It just does.
To that end, in lieu of gifts this year, I’m wishing for Good JuJu. Now, enjoy with me, this tiny sparkle from a Christmas past with one of my granddaughters…
Cheers until New Year’s Eve!